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Marnie: Posted on Monday, January 02, 2012 12:02 PM
January 1, 2012
I resolve to actually make
some resolutions. I don’t usually bother, since I feel like I’m setting myself
up for disappointment.
This year is different. I’m
going to make a few resolutions as an act of faith and/or desperation.
I can honestly say that 2011
was the worst year of my life. I’ve had worse things happen to me in other
years, but I’ve never had SO MUCH crap piled on me in one year. It’s
unbelievable. I’ve lived on some horrible fright-coaster, threatened, betrayed,
heartbroken and hurt beyond imagination. |
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Marnie: Posted on Friday, December 30, 2011 12:53 PM
So last night was rough. I
went to some extra-scary dark creepy places in my head. Couldn’t sleep or do
anything really but turn this crap over and over in my mind.
I am pretty convinced that I’m
truly a pathetic loser for holding on so tightly to something that is hurting
me. I have been so angry at the Universe, the gods, HIM – for not being in love
with me. I was angry with him for still trying to maintain a casual,
meaningless text relationship with me, even after I said we needed to “sever
all communication” so that I could give “my heart a chance to let go. |
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Marnie: Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2011 12:51 PM
I’m pretty sure I’m having a
nervous breakdown. My life is a joyless, faithless, hopeless pile of cat crap.
I don’t have a cat, but I might as well get one, since I’m pretty sure I’m what
they would call a “spinster” in the olden days. In modern times, I think it’s
okay to be single, as long as you’re focused on your career. I also have no
career. The only things I have are a sluggish metabolism and a drinking
problem.
My crying jags are out of
control. I can barely operate a car anymore because driving around is
apparently some kind of catalyst for tears. |
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Marnie: Posted on Saturday, December 24, 2011 8:37 PM
Well, here it is. The ever-so-festive Christmas Eve is upon me, and it’s even more horrible than I imagined it would be. I mean, I should be happy. I have these amazing friends, and I… Well, all I can do is remember… how different my life was a year ago. Before things got so bad. Before I was told I’d have to move out of my house and the theatre so it could be demolished. Before I was horribly betrayed by someone I thought I could trust. Before things were bad between him and me. Well, I shouldn’t say that, there was always an element of the dysfunctional to our relationship, but it was about as good as could be expected between us. |
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Marnie: Posted on Tuesday, December 20, 2011 2:30 AM
So, I haven’t bothered to
blog in a while. I mean, what’s the point? I have the same old tired shit to
say, and no one reads it anyway. Not that I try to get anyone to read it,
because I’m too embarrassed that I’m such a loser.
12 days left of 2011. I am
seriously counting them down. I am physically ill, psychologically damaged,
emotionally ruined and so exhausted that I can’t believe I’m not dead yet.
I’ve really been trying to
just let it all go… you know, get past my ego, my pride and all that, and
surrender to the Higher Purpose, the Plan, The Will of the Universe, God, who
or whatever. |
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Marnie: Posted on Thursday, December 08, 2011 4:40 PM
Counting down the days, until
Christmas is over, until the year is over, until my life is over…
I just count the days. I wake
up and think, “If I survive today, I get to go back to bed.” That gets me
through every single day.
Eventually, I will have survived
Christmas.
Eventually, I will have
survived New Year’s Eve.
Eventually, I will have
survived 2011, one of the worst years of my life.
Unless of course I die before
then, but that’s not likely to happen, now is it? |
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Little Red Riding Hood: Posted on Monday, December 05, 2011 9:18 PM
Today, we occupied the public hearing
where plans to demolish our theatre (and my house) were discussed. The Big Bad
Real Estate Developer Wolf was present with his pack of drooling cubs, Grannyma
was present and as feisty as you want her to be, Little Red Riding Hood
innocently stated her case to a cold and unforgiving room, and though all
seemed lost… the heroic Woodsman did in fact, make an appearance as well.
I have transcribed the event as it occurred,
to the best of my memory. The entire event was filmed, so anything that I may
be recalling incorrectly can be verified, and/or corrected. |
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Marnie: Posted on Sunday, December 04, 2011 11:19 AM
Well
yesterday marked one week since my dramatic un-friending on FB of my dumb-ass
ex. Fortunately, my day was so insanely
full that I had little time for foolish things like heartbreak blogging. I
still managed to cry a lot though, don’t get me wrong.
Last night
(or early this morning really) was another veil of tears. I am so tired of
waking up with my eyes so swollen I can barely see, surrounded by wadded up
pieces of snotty toilet paper, unable to breathe, to move, to sleep, so
horribly alone that I want to tear my skin off. |
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Marnie: Posted on Friday, December 02, 2011 6:02 PM
Too busy to blog today. Still managed to cry a lot. In the car where no one can see me, and it's the only time I got to do that.
I have more resentment than I know what to do with. I am really, really bitter, and I don't like the way it feels.
Is it over yet? This relationship, I mean. Why does it take so long to be over when it's already been over so long?
It feels like a dream... that what's been over for him for so long will someday, finally be over for me.
"Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over." ~Crowded House |
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Marnie: Posted on Thursday, December 01, 2011 10:19 AM
All I can write for today is this: I want my heart to let go. I
want my heart to let go. I want my heart to let go.
“You will never love me, and this I can’t forgive.” ~Jill Sobule, Mexican Wrestler |
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