Well yesterday marked one week since my dramatic un-friending on FB of my dumb-ass ex.  Fortunately, my day was so insanely full that I had little time for foolish things like heartbreak blogging. I still managed to cry a lot though, don’t get me wrong.  

Last night (or early this morning really) was another veil of tears. I am so tired of waking up with my eyes so swollen I can barely see, surrounded by wadded up pieces of snotty toilet paper, unable to breathe, to move, to sleep, so horribly alone that I want to tear my skin off. Now, I’m used to being alone. Heck, I even used to really like it. But this is a different kind of alone, much more sinister. I’ve got my friends. I’ve got some really great friends, but I’ve hit a point where I’m afraid to even try to express the anguish I’m in to anyone, because it’s getting downright pathetic. My kind of misery is unbearable to watch, and frankly, it’s getting old. I tell myself that if I can just keep faking my life a little longer, someday I will feel something again besides anguish. Or I will have become so good at faking it that I will even have myself fooled.   

I used to look forward to the weekends – especially when we have a show running. I could perform, play with my friends after, and back in the day… maybe he would be there. Maybe we would fall into bed together at the end of another crazy night. Even when there was no show, there were those times, back when he used to like being with me, when we would have… So. Much. Fucking. Fun. But that was a long time ago. And for so many months, when it was really bad between us, and then over, but we still had contact, at least I could carry this silly hope around that one day, it would be good again. One day, he’d be back, looking at me like he used to look at me.   

Now, there is no hope. He will not come walking up. He will not call. He will not text or email. He won’t push the ‘like’ button on my status. Because WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. We are nothing. He will stay away, because I asked him to stay away. He will leave me alone, because that is what I asked of him. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I had no choice.   

This kind of alone is terrifying, because I fear it will last forever – Because I will never be able to trust again. Not just men, that’s a given that they are impossible to trust, but worse, I will never be able to trust myself; never be able to trust my own feelings. I had myself fooled. I thought I had found something spectacular. I was wrong. I used to think the pain love puts you in was worth it, but I don’t think that anymore. It is not worth it. If I could take back my love from him, I would. He doesn’t want it anyway. He would rather be alone.   

“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.” ~ Pearl S. Buck