Well, here it is. The ever-so-festive Christmas Eve is upon me, and it’s even more horrible than I imagined it would be. I mean, I should be happy. I have these amazing friends, and I… Well, all I can do is remember… how different my life was a year ago. Before things got so bad. Before I was told I’d have to move out of my house and the theatre so it could be demolished. Before I was horribly betrayed by someone I thought I could trust. Before things were bad between him and me. Well, I shouldn’t say that, there was always an element of the dysfunctional to our relationship, but it was about as good as could be expected between us. What is it about Christmas that is so horribly lonely? I mean really. It’s just another day. But I really feel more empty, more lost, more alone than ever. And the really sad part is, the more I try to be around people, the lonelier I feel. I find myself almost grateful that I’ve been ill lately, because it gives me an excuse to hide from humanity. I hate this. I hate this. I really feel like I cannot take another step. I am so miserable. And wherever that jackass is, I hope he’s miserable too. Though I doubt he’s given me a second thought. I’m so fucking pathetic. In another week, this shitty fucking year will end. Is there any chance next year will be any better? I don’t know that I can really afford to hope anymore. Hope = Disappointment. |
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