So last night was rough. I
went to some extra-scary dark creepy places in my head. Couldn’t sleep or do
anything really but turn this crap over and over in my mind.
I am pretty convinced that I’m
truly a pathetic loser for holding on so tightly to something that is hurting
me. I have been so angry at the Universe, the gods, HIM – for not being in love
with me. I was angry with him for still trying to maintain a casual,
meaningless text relationship with me, even after I said we needed to “sever
all communication” so that I could give “my heart a chance to let go.”
But the fact is: I haven’t
let go. I’m holding on like crazy, so convinced that if I hold tight enough,
love hard enough, it will somehow make a difference. He will show up, love me,
want to be with me… and so on. I’ve realized that my feelings don’t matter. MY
feelings have no bearing on what he will or won’t do. HIS feelings do. And if
he had those kinds of feelings for me, I would know it: because he would have
showed up by now to tell me.
So the question that stopped
me dead in my tracks last night was this: “Self, you are still holding on so
tightly. You won’t let go. Why? HOW DOES THIS SERVE YOU?” How does it serve me?
Is it making me happy? Is it bringing me what I want? Is it bringing him back
to me? No, no and no.
So, the year is ending, very
soon, and it’s time I made a resolution – I don’t usually care for New Year’s
resolutions because I’m not very good at really following through. But I know
what I must do.
I have to let go. I have to
release this. It doesn’t matter if it’s my ego or my heart that’s holding on so
tightly, it’s hurting me, and it does not serve me, in any way.
Okay, so I’m still in love
with him. He’s not in love with me. Maybe he never was; maybe he tolerated all
the other stuff so he could get the sex and now that he doesn’t want sex from
me there’s nothing left – there’s no reason for him to hang out with me, or
have dinner with me because it’s not worth it to him. I want him to love me
madly, but he doesn’t. He just fucking doesn’t.
So, maybe I’m not at a place
where I can wish him happiness. I’m not. I want him to be miserable without me,
but he’s probably happier. He can finally breathe again without worrying if he’s
hurting me, or making me mad. So maybe I’m not ready to wish him well, but I
have to set him free. I have to set myself free.
My next step can be wishing
him well – for now, if I’m honest, I want him to suffer… to suffer even half as
much as I have. I know this isn’t very evolved of me, but one step at a time.
For now, only this to him:
you are free. I give up. I release it. I release it all. I will never beg for
your love again. I shouldn’t have to.
“Let’s say I wish the worst
for you.” ~Old 97’s, Wish the Worst |
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